40 Before 40

 I turn 40 tomorrow.

I. Turn 40.

What?! Apparently there's not even anywhere you can complain about these things, it just happens, unbidden, regardless.

As you may be able to tell, I am not excited or eager or even resigned about this birthday. I know it's a cliche, but I just don't feel 40, or look 40, and I certainly don't behave 40 (were I to even know how 40 felt like, looked or behaved). And yes, I know, life begins at 40, middle age has been pushed back, I'm still young, yadda yadda yadda.

The fact remains that I find 40 a huge, insurmountable, irreconcilable thing that's happening to me.

But, in the absence of any formal complaints process, I suppose I should make hay while the sun shines (i.e. while I'm still in my lovely, lovely 30s) and so I've nabbed this 40 Before 40 list from Hazel, who posted hers a year or two ago. The beauty of this 40 Before 40 is that, rather than a list of often time-consuming, frequently expensive challenges such as 'visit five new cities' or 'get a tattoo' (which, don't get me wrong, I love reading but don't have either the time nor the funds for at the moment), this is more an audit of what one has already achieved. And that I can do.

1. Understand, once and for all, to stop caring what other people think of you, and instead start caring what YOU think of THEM ? 

I wish I could say that I'd managed this but I haven't, and I'm not sure my anxiety-prone brain is properly configured to ever achieve this. Although that being said, there's recently been a couple of occasions at work when I haven't been invited to take part in things and my reaction has been nothing more than an interested reflection that, "Hmm, this would have really upset me a few years ago." So maybe I have, sort of, started to achieve this.

2. Buy a piece of artwork ✔
Not only am I honoured to have artwork in my house made by various family members for whom art is a hobby or, in some cases, their career, I also have a couple of original photographic prints bought from galleries in Cape Town.

3. Find your perfect red lipstick...and know how to not get it on your teeth ✔ 

And then accept that it's just not me. However much I love a slash of red lippie on other people, it's not a look that loves me and my small mouth. (And it's Mac Ruby Woo, btw).

4. Learn to gracefully accept a compliment ✔
I'm actually getting better at this, and have learned how tend to gracefully say thank you (and even manage to add another comment, the most common being "it has pockets!" when complimented on a dress, without being self-deprecating). Although I still don't like it when Thomas tells me I look beautiful, go figure.

5. Laugh until you cry ✔ 

All the time!

6. Skinny dip x
Not yet, and I suspect not ever.

7. Scream on a roller coaster ✔
Always. I have a love/hate relationship with roller coasters and can't help but scream when I ride them.

8. Stay awake until the sun comes up ✔
I did this far too many times to count in my 20s, but only a couple of times in my 30s.

9. Sleep under the stars ?
Does in a tent count?!

10. Try life as a blonde, a brunette and a redhead: nobody wants a boring look book ✔
And pink, purple, blue, green, black... When I was at university my family starting running a book on what colour my hair would be each time I went home for a visit. I've now been a redhead of varying hue for nine years, and can't see that changing anytime soon.

11. Have dessert without feeling guilty ✔
I never feel guilty about food. Honestly, if this is something people need to work towards achieving, I feel really sorry for them. Food is fuel and food is pleasure and it should never, ever be something you feel guilty about.

12. Learn your high heel 'too high' threshold and adhere to it. If you hobble, they're too high ✔
I'd say my ideal height is around 1-2", my innate clumsiness and poor relationship with gravity is not made for anything higher. But that said, I almost never wear high heels since I left teaching.

13. Find your signature style... But do still take fashion risks ✔I'm a lot more comfortable and confident in summer clothes than any other season, and my signature style - midi skirt, tucked in tee, tan sandals, tote bag - is sadly only suitable for about six weeks a year in this country. Outside of warm weather, I struggle a bit to break out of my 'striped top and skinny jeans' uniform. But I guess that, too, counts as a signature style.

14. Find a whiskey you like x 

I have tried, but spirits generally aren't my thing and whiskey definitely isn't.

15. Eat by yourself in a restaurant ✔
I've travelled a lot on my own and so this came about as much by necessity than anything else. It's something I've become less good at doing as my anxiety has worsened in recent years, but for a long time it didn't bother me at all to eat alone.

16. Date the wrong person ✔
Several of them, in fact!

17. Go on a road trip ✔
My brother, Richard, and I did the Scottish Highlands and Islands by road about eight years ago.

18. Japan. Or Rio. Or Burma. Tick at least one of your dream destinations off your list ✔
If you'd asked me at 20 what my dream destinations were, I think the list would probably have read something like this:
South Africa ✔
Bali x
The Pacific Northwest of America ✔
Iceland ✔
Costa Rica x 

Three out of five's not bad, I don't think.

19. Have a crazy weekend in Las Vegas x
I can't think of many places that appeal to me less than Vegas, to be honest!

20. Go to the perfect music festival. (Sun, laughter and great headliners are a must!) ✔
I went to my first music festival the weekend I turned 17: Glastonbury 1995 had all of the above and set the bar high for my many future festival experiences. In my early 30s I loved Latitude Festival for its smaller vibe, but I haven't been back for years. We did talk about going for my 40th but that doesn't seem to have happened... maybe next year.

21. Have a home you love and design it with confidence and style ✔
Can I have more than one mark for this one please?! I absolutely love our house and have made it into the most perfect home for us. It's rare that I'm totally confident about anything, but my ability to design and style a room is something I believe in entirely.

22. Own a piece of jewellery that means something ✔
Almost a year after the wedding, I still find it bizarre that I wear a diamond ring every day; it's not a very 'me' notion. But my wedding ring means the world to me because it was my grandmother's wedding ring. It has two large diamonds in an original 1940s gold setting, and is the most beautiful and precious piece of jewellery I own.

23. Have a signature dish (even if it's really easy) ✔
I asked Thomas what my signature dish is and he said lasagne. I'm not a particularly adventurous cook but what I do make, I make well.

24. Take a trip by yourself ✔
I've done this a number of times, including two big trips to South Africa and a cross-country train ride of the USA.

25. Be proud of something you've achieved through hard work ✔
I think my teaching career is the thing I'm most proud of achieving, and that was certainly hard work!

26. Volunteer ✔
Frequently, if not consistently, since I was sixteen.

27. Find a form of exercise you actually like ✔
Does walking count? I can happily tromp the pavements for miles, so long as I have comfy shoes on my feet and good music playing on my headphones.

28. Have far too many books on your 'must read' list ✔
And on my to-read pile, and on my must-read shelf, and in my waiting-to-be-read room!

29. Have a dirty secret ?
I have secrets, sure, but I'm not sure any of them count as 'dirty'.

30. Kick a bad habit ✔
I started smoking when I was 19 and stopped when I was 27 (in the end, giving up was actually really easy - I had a bad chest infection and cold and couldn't smoke for two weeks, and then when I felt better I realised "Hey, I could just not start again" and I didn't).

31. Learn a language - whether its sign language, Swahili or some French ✔
I attempted to learn Dutch when I met Thomas but didn't keep it up, however I do still remember, and regularly use, some of the sign language I learned when my mum first went deaf.

32. Take a course, whether it's getting a master's degree or mastering pastry making ✔
Since finishing my undergraduate degree I've done a PGCE, gained British Sign Language Level One, and am halfway through an MA in Gender Studies.

33. Live in another country (for at least six months) x
This is something I'd still love to do, but Thomas has lived abroad a number of times and isn't overly keen to do it again: I think he's more realistic about the challenges it brings.

34. Wear leather trousers x
Even if I thought they looked good (I don't), I couldn't without thinking of Ross from Friends... "The lotion and the powder have made a paste!"

35. Buy expensive china, glassware and bedding... And use it every day for a week x
I suspect that what I consider expensive - Sainsburys, or IKEA's 'designer' range at a push - is not what anyone else would! Although saying that, I would love to be able to afford really luxurious, cool Egyptian cotton bedding, so maybe one for the birthday list? Although there's already the practical little voice in my head telling me it's only going to get covered in muddy cat paw prints!

36. Walk into Chanel and try on all of their little jackets x
I have little to no interest in designer clothes and can't imagine the circumstances where this might ever happen.

37. Invest in something custom made - whether it's shoes, a dress or a bespoke suit x
I can't see this happening before my birthday or, to be honest, ever. I'm much fonder of picking up vintage and secondhand bargains and then getting them tailored to fit me, which maybe sort of counts?

38. Have drunk sex with the lights on ✔
Erm, is this implying that having sex with the lights on is super daring? If so, my sex life has always been more kinky than I thought.

39. Call your parents and tell them you love them ✔
My mum is deaf so I'm in the habit of communicating with my family by email and post rather than on the phone. So if emails and letters count, then yes.

40. Write yourself a letter about why turning 40 is the best thing that ever happened to you x
But it's not, so no.

The oddest thing about my prolonged freak-out over turning 40 (seriously, it's been going on for about a year now) is that actually, as this list attests, I've done alright with my first 40 years. There are no huge "ohmigod why haven't I achieved x" gaps in my life; I'm pretty happy with what I have and where I am right now. If 15 year old me were to look at my 39-and-361-days old life, I think she'd be pretty satisfied; disappointed, maybe, that mental health is still a struggle, but otherwise thrilled that all the big box items on my teenage to-do list - the not entirely compatible combination of 1. Live a dissolute life of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, 2. Travel the world, and 3. Study extensively - have been ticked off.

I'm hoping that once the big day dawns tomorrow, I'll realise that life goes on as normal and 40 isn't so different to 39. But for now, you'll find me this evening sobbing into my cider and mourning the end of my youth.

Oh, and while I'm here: as I've got pretty much everything I need, I've set up a birthday fundraiser to benefit Mermaids, who work with trans and gender diverse children and teenagers and their families. This is really important work and if you were planning on sending me a card or giving me a gift, maybe consider donating a few quid to the fundraiser instead.

Oh Hello 2018

Hello!

Lovely to see you, it's been a while. How have you been? And how's 2018 treating you? Are you, like me, both baffled that it's already 2018 while finding it inexplicable that it's still January?

Anyway, I thought I'd drop by to let you know that I am still alive. The end of 2017 was hectic to say the least: once I started my MA in September life became a bit of a whirlwind.

I knew before I started university that it would bring challenges. The fact that I started off my post about beginning an MA by reflecting on my (largely negative) undergrad experiences suggests I had an awareness, perhaps subconscious, of what some of those challenges would be. But I've still been pretty blindsided by how returning to study is affecting me.

First of all, there's the obvious challenges of being a learner after twelve years in the role of teacher, which is undeniably strange and at times difficult. I don't deal at all well with feeling inexpert, and thus far I feel inexpert pretty much every day. Added to that is a severe case of Imposter Syndrome: a little voice in my head that's trying to tell me that everyone else on my course is brilliant and I am stupid; everyone else gets it, so why can't I? Because this shit is hard. I'm realising how little I've been intellectually challenged in recent years, how I need to learn to flex mental muscles that have long gone unused.

Equally, I think if I'd known beforehand how difficult trying to do an MA while living 120 miles from university is, I'd have had second thoughts. But I didn't, and in truth there are many positives about doing the MA now, not least of which is that I get to see my mum every week when I stay with her, and see much more of my brothers and nieces, too.

But as well as being hectic and challenging, the last few months have also been full of positives.

Thomas and I spent a wonderful long weekend in Norfolk at the start of December: four days of no internet, no photographs, no phones, just lots of open fires and books and long walks. In other words, bliss.

Having felt that I was struggling with the MA, I was surprised to find myself really enjoying researching and writing my first assignment, and was even more surprised when I did really well. To know I was doing ok made the struggles of the first semester feel more worthwhile.

I made it to the end of 2017 well within budget for my Buyer's Archive challenge, and although blogging my buys has gone by the wayside, I'm still keeping a record of my spending and am aiming to keep it below £500 in 2018 (ahem, we won't talk about how much I've spent in January...).

We've booked our long-overdue honeymoon to Canada this June, and I'm looking forward to spending time with family while we're there.

Oh! And while we're on the subject, Thomas and I made it legal. As much as we would have both liked to maintain our "fuck the man and fuck marriage" stance, it unfortunately makes so many things complicated (I lived in fear that he'd have an accident while cycling and I wouldn't have had a say in his treatment). So we popped down to the town hall one Saturday with a couple of friends, got into trouble for giggling during the ceremony, then went out for a massive pizza afterwards. And now, in response to anyone who asks why we got married, I can quite genuinely say, "so I can turn his life support machine off"!

So yeah, a busy few months.

Thanks to the MA, I won't be around here much until summer at the earliest (apart from posting some stuff that's languished in my draft folders for ages). But I'm finding Instagram increasingly useful as a sort of micro-blogging platform so if you do want to know what I'm up to, you can find me there.

15 Facts About Me

Months and months ago Rachel tagged me in a post on Instagram challenging me to share a selfie and 10 random facts about myself. And then I totally forgot about it until Sarah wrote a post recently with her facts. I've done fact posts before but I know I always enjoy reading other people's, so here goes trying to think of 15 new facts about myself.

1. My favourite subject at school was drama and I usually took the lead role in the school plays and musicals.

2. Show tunes are my not-at-all-guilty pleasure. I love listening to the Elaine Paige show on Radio 2 on Sunday afternoons, and on long car journeys will blast the soundtracks to Wicked and Rent while singing along at the top of my voice.

3. I also have a fondness for grime and, despite the incongruity of a 30-something white woman bopping along to Stormzy in a Ford Ka, it's another of my favourite driving soundtracks.

4. Speaking of age, I turn 40 next June and I am not at all happy about it. It sounds like such an enormous milestone (frankly, it just sounds so old!). So yeah, there's lots of denial of the ageing process going on around here at the moment.

5. I was once on local television talking about zines. I was only 17 and it was about as awkward as "teenager interviewed on local Bradford cable channel" sounds.

6. My mum is deaf, so I have (rudimentary) BSL skills. However, as she lost her hearing in her 50s, none of us are exactly fluent.

7. I have multiple diagnoses - Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Chronic Pain Syndrome - that impact on my life in various ways. At the moment, I'm trying to figure out how to get through the wedding and start my MA course without a combination of the three causing havoc.

8. I don't particularly like chocolate, and especially not chocolate cake.

9. The best gig I've ever been to was Joanna Newsom at Manchester Palace Theatre in 2010, closely followed by Joanna Newsom at Manchester Albert Hall in 2015. Whenever I see her live I spend the entire time completely rapt, so I'd heartily recommend trying to bag tickets when she next tours.

10. I secretly quite enjoy supermarket shopping.

11. Before getting Missy, I'd never owned a pet. Nope, not even a goldfish when I was a child.

12. I have too many disgusting habits to name, but probably the most unappealing is picking dry skin off my feet and then chewing it. I know, I disgust me too.

13. I've never been afraid of going to the dentist but, until a few years ago, I had a phobia of going to the hairdressers.

14. I've lived in three cities as an adult - Bradford, Manchester and Leicester - the latter for 20 years. I will leave one day... maybe?

15. Things internet people have recognised me by when meeting in real life: my fringe, my Feminist Killjoy bag, my tattoo, my red hair and, on one memorable occasion, by boobs.

How I Use My Bullet Journal & Passion Planner

I literally could not think of a non-wanky title for this post: My Bullet Journal Journey? Vomit. From Bullet Journalling To Passion Planning? Bleurgh. The terminology is all ridiculous and eye-rollingly silly*, but the practice of it? Brilliant.

* Especially Passion Planner, which brings to mind dodgy sex tips from Cosmo.

Bullet journals: just hipster to-do lists?
Unless you live under a rock, the bullet journal craze won't have passed you by. At its most basic, a bullet journal is a fancy name for a book of to-do lists. Of course, for most people it's far more than that. They can be a home for reading logs, gratitude lists, and I know lots of people who find it an invaluable tool for managing their mental and physical health, using habit and mood trackers to monitor their weeks. The appeal of a bullet journal is the ability to craft something completely unique, flexible and suited to your needs.

However, that benefit comes with a cost: chiefly, for me, was the time it takes to plan and draw layouts, and the fact that my lack of artistic skills meant it never looked as pretty nor as neat as I wanted it to. I went from using it daily, to only remembering to pick it up once or twice a week, to barely using it at all.

And so, enter the Passion Planner.
I saw Ingrid talking about the US-made Passion Planners on Twitter and, as I was struggling to think of what I wanted for Christmas, I took a look at their website and decided to try one out.

The biggest and most obvious difference is that the planner, while not providing the unique flexibility of a bullet journal, has a pre-printed layout that gives structure for each week and month. Briefly, there are monthly planning spreads, weekly planning spreads, and then within the weekly spread each day is broken down into 30 minute intervals. The weekly spreads also have a space for To Do lists (both personal and work) and a list of Good Things That Happened (providing the gratitude journalling element I liked about bullet journals).

I personally find this method of organising myself enormously more beneficial than the bullet journal.  While my bullet journal provided so much opportunity for creativity that I became almost paralysed by it, the Passion Planner gives me a structured space and keeps me focused. I especially like the opportunities given to reflect on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. The Space Of Infinite Possibility at the bottom of each weekly spread gives a little of the flexibility of a bullet journal, too - I tend to use mine for habit and spending trackers (on the website you can print off - for free - trackers to stick into your planner). I suspect that the planner will especially come into its own come September, when I start a part-time Masters and need to organise myself to do things a little more complex than 'wash hair'.

However, I haven't entirely abandoned my bullet journal. Now, instead of using it daily to plan, I use it as a reflective space for longer pieces of writing than will fit into my planner; for keeping track of specific things (such as reading lists); and as a scrapbook and journal of important or notable days and events.

Practicalities & Details
- I have an A5 undated Passion Planner, because the dated ones ran from Sunday-Saturday and that's just totally counter-intuitive to me! I think next time I'll try the A4 planner, as the A5 - although super handy to carry around - obviously doesn't provide as much space for writing.

- Not sure a Passion Planner is for you? Brilliantly, they offer free downloads via their website, so you can print off a month's - or even a year's - worth of pages and give it a go without spending your pennies.

- For my bullet journal I use a Leuchtturm 1917 journal from Fred Aldous. I chose graph paper, which makes drawing layouts much easier.

- I write with Stabilo fine liners in both books, and don't experience any bleed-through in my Passion Planner and only a little in the Leuchtturm.

- Other supplies I use are washi tape, to stick photos, tickets and other ephemera into my journal, and To Do stickers (from Etsy) for my planner, to provide a visual focus for my daily lists. I also print the Passion Planner finance sheets and habit tracker sheets from the website.

This is not a sponsored post, I just really like the Passion Planner!

Self-Care In The Era Of Trump & Brexit

I spent much of 2016 depressed, a mental health crisis triggered by the Brexit vote and exacerbated by the US elections. Yet I've begun 2017 in the most positive place for years and I wondered, why? When the world is undeniably getting worse, not better, and the news out of America becomes more and more dystopian, why am I feeling so cheerful?

I think the answer has to do with finally cracking a self-care routine that really works for me. Siobhan wrote eloquently and brilliantly last week on why self-care can be a problematic term and I very much suggest you read it, but I'm about to completely ignore her very valid argument that "self-care articles are [not] the way forward" and write one of my own.

I am very privileged - I hold a UK passport and am white, cisgender, and middle class, all of which means I am able to sometimes close the door and take a break from the noise of the world. It's important to recognise that this is not a privilege that everyone in this country - let alone the world - has. My self-care routines aren't about ignoring what's happening, they're about taking time to regroup and recharge so I'm better able to be useful in what has become a fight against fascism.

I'm accepting my limits with regard to activism and advocacy, while recognising what I can do
I spent a lot of 2016 beating myself up about the fact that my anxiety prevents me from going to protests and marches. I find large groups challenging in so many ways, from social anxiety to crowd-related panic attacks to IBS anxiety about not always having a loo accessible, and I saw this as a failing on my part, rather than looking at what else I could do. I wrote at the start of the year about not wanting to use my mental & physical health as an excuse to not take action, but I'm learning that it's important to recognise that there are many and varied ways of carrying out activism and resistance.

Thomas has encouraged me to view my writing as a valid form of activism, and one I can engage in from home even when my health is bad. Instead of marching, I'm writing regularly to my MP (which Write To Them makes incredibly easy). I'm putting my money where my mouth is on local, national and international levels. I've set up a direct debit to Leicester Rape Crisis, donated to the UK Black Lives Matter justice fund, Planned Parenthood and, after this weekend's events, to the ACLU as they seek to challenge the Muslim Ban in court.

Think about what actions you can take within your own limits - but also don't be afraid to sometimes push those limits. I know that a large protest in London is not achievable for me, but I joined a smaller local demo last night and although it was outside my comfort zone, I'm very glad I went. Being with others who feel the same anger, who also want change, is also a form of self-care.

I am staying off social media
I'm a social media addict and can happily spend an evening whiling away time on Twitter and Facebook, without achieving anything concrete. But I realised after Brexit that Twitter was having a detrimental affect on my mood; I could feel my anxiety and unhappiness kicking into higher gear as soon as I opened the app. And no wonder! At the moment it's an endless scroll of misery, brutality and fascism. So I deleted the app. I'm still reading the news, keeping abreast of what's happening, and taking actions where I can. But only visiting Twitter once a day has made an enormous difference to my mood.

Take time to consider your social media use and ask: is it telling me something new or does it make me happy? If the answer to both is "no" then switch off. It's ok to acknowledge that you have limits; it's ok to prioritise your health.

I am making & doing
In the run-up to Christmas I started sewing a lot and noticed an immediate upswing in my mood. And now that the festive season has passed I'm in full-on zine mode. Since the start of January I've finished one and started on my second, and seeing something tangible come out of my scribbling is hugely rewarding.

Make time each week for creative pursuits. This could be anything: baking, gardening, drawing, knitting, colouring... whatever you find most enjoyable. Spending time on an activity that requires both concentration and calm is a quick route to zen-like relaxation

I am embracing hygge
Yup, that word I'm afraid, but never fear - I'm not about to tell you to buy expensive new throws or designer Scandi candlesticks. What I am doing is making duvet forts on the sofa, lighting the fire, turning off my phone, and drinking lots of tea. Not exactly revolutionary, I know, but I'm trying to recognise this for what it is - essential self-care and something to be enjoyed mindfully - rather than beating myself up about not being more productive. Some days just call for fresh pyjamas, a 99p bunch of daffodils, and a good book, and that's ok.

2016: What A Fucking Year, Eh?

From the seemingly unstoppable rise of fascism, to the heart-breaking refugee crisis and the enraging response to it in the media, to the almost-daily death notices, 2016 has sucked balls. And while, on a personal level, it's had some high points, at times I've felt a bit like I've been in a holding pattern: lots of planning for what's to come but not much actual capital-p Progress. It's been a year of plodding from day-to-day, doing what I need to survive, without really getting to anyplace new. Still, I think I'm in a better place than at the start of the year and really, what more can one ask for?

Despite my travel anxiety ramping up to a whole new level, Thomas and I had some great trips: a weekend in Lincoln to start the year, a great few days in Edinburgh, a wonderfully sunny weekend with friends in Nijmegen, and a relaxing week in Crete. 

The big trip of the year for me, though, was the ten days I spent in Cape Town with my mum and step-mum, staying with my aunt and uncle for my cousin Caroline's wedding. It was so special to be in South Africa with my mum for the first time, and she regaled me with tales of her youth (they mostly fell into three camps: this is where I went to the library/this is where I protested apartheid/this is where I snogged boys. The first two were par for the course, the third somewhat of a shock!).

By far the best thing to come out of 2016 is this furry face. We adopted Missy exactly 6 months ago and she has been a constant joy (and a near-constant worry, we are such neurotic cat parents!). I quite genuinely don't know how I would have made it through those dark post-Brexit days without her. She remains a skittish little thing who prefers to sit near rather than on us, but she loves getting head rubs, playing with her favourite toys - a pink mouse and an old shoelace - and hanging out in the garden. Oh, and sleeping, as you can see from these pictures.

While this year hasn't been as productive creatively as I would have liked, I am so glad to have returned to sewing. I spent much of November and December beavering away on various projects and I think (I hope) that their recipients appreciated them.

2016 was also the year I finally finished the zine I'd been working on for almost two years. I had grand plans to complete another one before the end of the year, but with only hours remaining, that's clearly not going to happen. However, getting back into zines, visiting fairs, chatting to other zinesters and contributing to other people's zines has been one of my favourite things this year. 

Thanks to the encouragement of Ingrid (no way would I have submitted it otherwise), I had my zine accepted by Pen Fight Distro, which was genuinely one of my highlights of the year (I can't get over the fact that something I created is available to buy somewhere I'm not selling it, if that makes sense?!) and I also contributed to Lou's zine All Your Faves Are Problematic and Kirsty's zine about heterosexism, Versions Of Violence.

I suppose another big thing to happen in 2016 was starting a new blog, having destroyed the commenting system on my old one. I haven't been as prolific here as I would have liked, but am so happy that all my old readers and commenters seem to have followed me, together with some welcome new faces. My most popular posts of 2016 have been the one about our budget kitchen makeover and the one where you learnt some fascinating facts about me.

There's been so much that I haven't blogged about this year but that was important: I did jury duty, which was amazing and gruelling and fascinating; I finished teaching completely in July, and have yet to unpick my feelings around that; Thomas graduated with his PhD and since then has been travelling the country for research, visited Iceland, been published by TIME Magazine, and generally worked his arse off as a junior academic, which comes with zero job security. We made a decision to work towards leaving Leicester and moving to Edinburgh... which quickly had to be set aside as the realities of his work became clear, so we end 2016 still with no clear idea of where we'll be - job-wise as well as literally - over the next couple of years.

Finally, 2016 has been a year of friendship. I've had such fun times this year- a great day out with Leanne, a festive night in the pub with Rose, and a trip to Secret Cinema with London pals are just three that spring to mind. I've spent time meeting up with blogging mates, both old and new, and forged new friendships online (because internet people rule). But whether IRL or internet pal, old friend or new, these women have been such an essential source of strength and happiness for me in 2016.

And so 2017 approaches. There's a small event taking place in July, which I'm quite looking forward to. Thanks to our decision to have a super low-key, budget wedding, there's not a whole lot more to do on the planning, so hopefully the next seven months won't be too stressful.

Thomas and I have short trips to Norfolk and Barcelona planned already, and I'm sure that despite finances being tight, we'll squeeze another couple of holidays in somewhere. If we can bear to leave the cat for longer than a couple of days.

And as for goals, I want to start taking full advantage of the fact that I'm not as knackered and stressed as I was when teaching, and make use of my evenings. From volunteering at Leicester LGBT Centre's Trans Youth Group one evening a fortnight, to joining a choir and working on more zines, 2017 is going to be the year I get off my arse and do something. Oh, and speaking of doing something, there are fascists to fight. Let 2017 be the year we all commit to not being the people who stand by and do nothing.

Weekend Scenes

Thomas is working away a lot at the moment, so what time we do have together we are trying to make the most of. And it's been brilliant, actually, at shaking us out of our weekend rut - our tendency to mooch around the house doing jobs that yes, need doing, but no, aren't terribly exciting or relaxing.

This weekend, after a Saturday spent working (him) and sewing and hanging out with the cat (me), we had a rare Sunday together.

Homemade soup for lunch.

A walk into town, discussing various job opportunities for Thomas (his contract runs out in March, because academia sucks for finding permanent employment, so he's back on the job application treadmill).

A visit to the 13th Century Newarke Gateway, open rarely as part of Leicester Council's Heritage Sundays, where I was terrified of the stone spiral staircase but much taken with the view from the mullioned windows.

A visit to the Guildhall Christmas market, where we picked up some lovely stocking fillers and admired the gorgeous Christmas tree in their courtyard (and difficult to wrap our heads around the idea that in eight months we'll be drinking post-wedding Prosecco in that same courtyard!).

A mooch around the shops in the city centre, before we got sick of the Black Friday-on-Sunday crowds and walked up the hill out of the city to the Lansdowne, for restorative cider and a vegan roast dinner for Thomas and a decidedly un-vegan Brie and bacon melt for me.

It was one of the nicest Sundays we've had in ages, and my not-quite-new-years-yet-resolution is to have many more the same. After all, those boring jobs at home can wait, surely?

Photo An Hour: Saturday 19th November

Miraculously, I managed to remember Photo An Hour for the third month in a row, which I think might be a record. Last November's Photo An Hour chronicled my failed attempt to get to a clothes swap in Sheffield, and hanging out with my mums in Leeds.

This month's once again fell on a weekend that Thomas was away. I had plans with my friend Leanne - a day out in Rugby, purely because neither of us had ever been before and it's only 30 minutes down the A426 from Leicester - followed by an evening of Strictly and cheese-based snacks.

8.30am:
One thing that makes me smile about following the #photoanhour hashtag on Instagram is how similar most of our days look: between 7.30 and 9.30 in the morning, there are always a plethora of tea-and-a-book photographs. Here's mine - I was finishing up Matt Haig's The Girl Who Saved Christmas (not a patch on A Boy Called Christmas, sadly).

9.30am:
Despite having already had her breakfast, Missy was convinced that she was owed more food. Her ploy to get it? Bringing me her little pink mouse as a gift, and then staring at me very hard with big sad eyes.

10.30am:
Getting dressed to go out, and worrying that Leanne wouldn't recognise me without stripes or navy blue. Not even any polka dots! But I at least have my trusty crochet collar on this new-to-me mustard yellow Topshop dress.

11.30am:
Before heading out I needed to ask Leanne's advice about something top-secret. Here's a tiny sneak peek; betcha can't guess what it is.

12.30pm:
We stumbled across such a cute shop in Rugby, called The Nest. Filled to the brim with handmade, vintage and vintage-inspired goodies, I couldn't resist buying some fabric and some jewellery.

1.30pm:
We went to the Bacco Lounge for lunch, and very nice it was too.

2.30pm:
Desperate attempt to thinking of something new to take a photograph of, as we were still in Bacco Lounge!

3.30pm:
I don't always have great luck in charity shops when it comes to books (having usually read the vast majority of any interesting looking books already), but the past few days have been great: I found four books on a charity shop binge on Friday and then happened upon a book I've been wanting in Rugby's Oxfam.

4.30pm:
Yup, still shopping. Leanne was looking at coats in Debenhams while I snapped this adorable cat-print shirt. Did not buy, however, as I'd already spent far too much.

5.30pm:
I've had such a good week for finding cute fabric - this little haul is from a trip to Crafty Sew & So in Leicester earlier in the week, plus the fat quarters I bought in The Nest today (those penguins!). I also found a plus size dress pattern for £1.25 in a charity shop in Rugby, what a bargain!

6.30pm:
Photo An Hour always makes me realise how repetitive and predictable my Saturdays are: wake up at half 8, read, cup of tea, do something, then home and fire and pyjamas for the night. Wow, 20s Janet would be ashamed of 30s Janet.

7.30pm:

Dinner! And yes, I ate a whole baked Camembert all to myself (the vegan's away, remember). 

8.30pm:
Oh dear. Turns out my IBS wasn't impressed with the Camembert. Oops. Instead of a photograph of what I was actually doing at half 8 (no-one wants to see that), here's another from 7.30, when I was watching Strictly and shouting at the judges (Only an 8 for Ore! And 40 for Danny! They have to be joking).

9.30pm:

Thomas should be home later, but in the meantime I've made a start on my new book and am very much enjoying the epigraphs.

10.30pm:

And ending the day where it began - in bed with a book.

What did your Saturday look like, and did you do Photo An Hour?

Ten Things For Which I'm Thankful

As 2016 continues its quest to be The Worst, I decided (inspired by Kezzie) to take some time to reflect on the things for which I'm thankful this week: from small moments that have made me smile to the people (and cats) to whom I'm grateful.

1. Missy. At the risk of sounding like a new parent, I just can't remember life without her. Five months of cat ownership have gone in a flash and it has been an endless joy to watch Missy grow in confidence as she settles into our home, going from a frightened and skittish little thing to a cat whose favourite place is curled up on my lap. I'm not sure how I'd have got through the past few months - and especially this past week - without her furry face.

2. The simple pleasure of lighting a fire and some candles and snuggling under a blanket. I do like it when it gets properly cold outside; it's the perfect excuse to get into pyjamas and make the living room super-cosy.

3. That I'm not a teacher anymore during this, the most endless and hellish of school terms. Self-explanatory, really!

4. That Rent is touring the UK again (finally), and coming to Leicester! I'm going to be online first thing tomorrow to make sure I get good tickets because I freaking love Rent probably more than I love anything that's not my family, friends, cat, or house.

5. My friend Rebs, who you will definitely know because she knows everyone on the internet. Literally everyone. But she is one of the most welcoming people I know and she's really good at forcing me out of my misanthropic loner hole by suggesting fun things to me. She's also introduced me - sometimes virtually and sometimes IRL - to some extremely cool people who I'm really happy to know.

6. A lovely day in York the Saturday before last, with lovely internet friends Alex, Becks, Gwen and Lucy. We talked about cats, bought books, drank Prosecco and ate cake in Bettys (I'd never been, can you believe it? I could have my Yorkshire card revoked for that), and generally had a brilliant time. Plus, the photo Becks took of us fails to suck which, with my hatred for every photograph of me, is a bonus thing to be thankful for.

7. A lovely Sunday walk in the woods with Thomas yesterday, followed by a cheeky cider and some chips in a cute country pub. Before we headed home to do boring life-admin like job applications, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathroom. Hmmph, adulting sucks.

8. Mr Kipling Frosty Fancies. I genuinely squealed with glee in the supermarket aisle when I saw them. All the fun of fondant fancies but with added festive-ness and without the chocolate ones which, let's face it, no one actually likes.

9. Finding some gorgeous dresses for my mini-bridesmaids. Honestly, part of me would have preferred to not have bridesmaids at all. But I remember all too well the feeling of being 9 years old and desperate to be a bridesmaid, so I couldn't in good conscience not ask my nieces to take part in the wedding. And actually, the dresses I've found - mint green polka dot numbers from Yumi Girls - are so cute that I'm very pleased I did!

10. The sprays of eucalyptus that I cut from my mums' back garden which are now bedecking every jar, jug and vase in the house. There's something about bringing seasonal greenery into the house - regardless of the time of year - that just feels special.

A Wedding Planning Update

When you're planning a wedding - whether it be the most traditional, big-white-gown-and-stately-home event or, as Thomas and I have taken to describing ours, an anarcho-punk/feminist leifdesfeestje* - you quickly learn that other people have A Lot Of Thoughts And Opinions about weddings.

And this despite that fact that we've been incredibly lucky that our families, who are thrilled that we're making this commitment (albeit non-legal) to each other, genuinely couldn't be less interested in dictating to us exactly how we should go about it. Our friends, too, have been very accepting of and excited about the direction in which we've chosen to take our wedding: namely, a ceremony officiated by a good friend of ours, with all the readings and speeches and vows one would associate with a wedding but without the legal bit, followed by a three course vegan meal and piss-up in our favourite pub.

But still the questions come...

Are you having a theme? Err, aside from love and commitment? No. 

A seating plan? No. 

Best man and bridesmaids? Well, my little nieces aside (who I couldn't in good conscience deny the chance to put on a pretty dress and call themselves bridesmaids), no. 

Hen and stag dos? Probably not, although Thomas has expressed a preference to go on a "nature walk" for his stag do. I kid you not.

Changing your name? Erm, have you even met me? Hell no!

As our friends and family have quickly realised, the answer to pretty much any question about the wedding is, "No, we're not bothering with that."

And then, the why.

I'm crafty, creative, details oriented and a micro-manager: all the ingredients for a bridezilla, a wife-to-be hand-stitching favours for a year before the ceremony and obsessing over every element. So it's as strange and surprising to me as it is to those who know me well that, when it comes to our wedding, I honestly couldn't care less.

What is important to me is this: that some of my family from overseas are able to be there; that Thomas's friends from the Netherlands come; that our UK-based friends and family are in full attendance; and that we have an occasion full of fun, laughter and love, while lacking in the patriarchal traditions that are so intrinsically entwined with wedding ceremonies. Oh, and I'd like a pretty twirly dress that doesn't cost ££££ (this last has at least already been achieved, with a £16 bargain dress of my dreams).

So there aren't going to be most of the usual trappings of a wedding. Instead we're crafting something that is completely, totally us. Our ceremony is explicitly political, from the readings we've chosen to the promises and vows we will make. It might seem a strange choice but politics - especially feminist and anarchist politics - are intrinsic to our relationship. They are what we first bonded over and are what we both value so much in each other. We have, in our four years together, both politicised the other: me pushing Thomas towards a queer, intersectional, trans-inclusive feminism and introducing him to fat activism; he, coming from an anarchist punk scene in the Netherlands that is extremely active in pro-refugee activism, pushing me to be more radical in my politics and less tolerant of middle-way liberalism. We could no more separate politics from our wedding day than we could from our lives.

And so, an anarcho-punk/feminist liefdesfeestje it is. On 31st July 2017 I will wear my pretty, twirly, £16 dress and Thomas - fresh from his nature walk (insert eye roll emoji) - will be suited and booted, and we'll make our vows in the most beautiful building in Leicester, in front of the people we love most. We'll listen to the music that's special to us**, drink Prosecco and cider, eat heaps of vegan food***, and be merry. I really cannot wait.

*Dutch for love party, which we avoid because in English it sounds like we're hosting an orgy.

** Generously, I have offered Thomas a 35 minute slot on the playlist for his terrible 80s MOR, while I get to choose the rest of the music.

*** See, we both have priorities: mine is music, so I get to pick; his is food, so he gets to make it all vegan.

Life Lately

I've been pretty quiet on the blog front lately. Partly because I have the dreaded blogger's block: I keep sitting down to write and end up either staring blankly out of the window/at the cat or browsing Etsy for the nth time. But also because I've been busy (looking at this fluffy little face for upwards of five hours a day totally counts as busy, right?).

It's been strange to not have the summer off after eleven years of teaching. People keep asking me if I'm missing them and the honest answer is, "sort of." I mean, I'd love to have six weeks off, who wouldn't? But the truth is I don't need the holidays like I used to. When you work in a school you limp through the last couple of months of the academic year, desperate for a break, a chance to recuperate from the year just gone and prepare for the one about to begin. But my job now isn't so all-encompassing, exhausting and draining so there's no need for a long holiday to recover.

Not to be defeated by my lack of time off, I've nevertheless tried to make the most of my summer. I had a visit from my cousin, Mark, which was our first chance to spend quality time together since the 1990s (WHAT?!). My brother & his wife spent a weekend with us, which gave me a new appreciation for Leicester (or for the authentic Italian gelato from Gelato Village, anyway). Thomas and I took an awesome day trip to Nottingham for book shopping, cider supping, pizza eating and Ghostbusters watching, and I've had a mini bloggers meet-up with Laura, Elle & Becca. Sourdough bread was munched, Laura almost got taken out by a flying umbrella, and we poked around the new Delilah's Deli. Oh, and Thomas officially became a Dr, graduating with his PhD in a comically floppy hat.

I also spent an evening at Secret Cinema does Dirty Dancing. The set up was incredible, a mini Kellermans tucked away in East London. It was enormous fun to sit in the twilight, drinking cocktails and singing along with the film, and while the extras that justify the ticket price - dance lessons, mini golf and the rest - weren't particularly suited to a chronic non-joiner like me, that's my bad for buying a ticket in the first place, not theirs.

But honestly, a lot of my time has genuinely been taken up by hanging out with the cat. Missy has continued to settle well and although she still hasn't quite graduated to curling up on a lap or on our bed, she shows her affection in other ways - like bringing us her favourite toy (a small pink stuffed mouse), or following us from room to room to sit near us. However, I fear we are both becoming insufferable cat people. Talking endlessly about her, even to non-cat owners? Earnestly discussing her bowel movements when one of us gets home (often before even a "hello" has been exchanged)? Singing silly songs to her, swapping out the normal lyrics for ones about furry cats? I'm afraid Thomas and I are guilty of all of the above on an almost-daily basis. It was when I found myself telling a close friend who's just become a mum that, thanks to cat ownership, I now understand where parents are coming from that I realised I had a problem. So yep, crazy cat lady over here.

And now I'm looking forward to all sorts of awesome things in the next month or so: an overnight trip to Bristol this weekend, followed by a dash up the M1 to see another cousin who's staying with my mum in Bradford. A few days away for Thomas's 30th birthday (but shh, it's top secret). Then I have jury duty in September, promptly followed by a week in Crete and a chance - finally - to relax after an exhausting twelve months. And, hopefully, the return of my blogging mojo.

50 Things That Make Me Happy

Coming hot on the heels of Orlando and Jo Cox's assassination, the referendum results on Friday left me feeling utter despair and sadness. As a post-Brexit tonic, Kezzie and Jennifer both wrote happy lists to remind themselves of the things that aren't shit. Their posts reminded me of a wonderful one Gaelle wrote a couple of months ago about 50 things that make her happy, which I had promised to do myself. Would I, in my depressed state, be able to I think of 50 things that make me happy? Turns out yes, I could.

1. Thomas. I can't even begin to explain how happy this guy makes me. I think I'm going to keep him.

2. Aspall cider. A cold pint of Aspall on a hot day (or any day really) = bliss.

3. That we are getting a cat next weekend. Her name is Missy and she is the sweetest, stroppiest cat in the shelter, therefore perfect for sweet Thomas and stroppy me!

4. Cheese. It's why I can't be vegan. Baked Camembert, grilled halloumi, runny Brie on crackers.... hmmmm cheese.

5. Fresh bed linen. Is there any feeling better then climbing into a bed made with fresh linen.

6. Music. But especially the feeling when a song you really love is played out of nowhere.

7. Laundry drying on the washing line. Especially the first day of the year it's warm/dry enough to do so.

8. Sunshine. It really does make everything better.

9. The feeling of getting into my own bed after a few days away. Bed rules.

10. The last mile of the drive to my mum's house. I've lived away from home for 20 years, and I still feel so happy as I come off the motorway to see her.

11. Teen comedy films from the 90s & 00s. Bring It On. Clueless. 10 Things I Hate About You. She's The Man. Pitch Perfect. You can take your award-winners and your Scorsese films, I'm really only interested if it's 90 minutes long and set in a high school/college.

12. Shopping. Socialist in the Tweets, Capitalist in the streets, that's me. I know it's not a great thing to base happiness on, but I really do like shopping.

13. Swimming. Although I do not love post-swimming hair.

14. Fresh flowers. Having them in the house always makes me smile.

15. Zine making. I'm so glad I returned to zines after a ten year break, the process is so therapeutic for me and I love creating something outside of this blog.

16. Earl Grey tea and a slice of cake. Because cake.

17. A pub with an open fire. There's little better in winter than to find a cosy pub with a roaring fire.

18. Getting post. Any post really, but surprise parcels especially.

19. Our house. I've loved it since the first time I came to view it almost eight years ago.

20. Buying gifts for people. I think I enjoy it more than receiving gifts.

21. Internet friends. Illustrated above with Becca, Elle and Laura but the list is looooooooong. I love the support and encouragement that Twitter and Instagram, particularly, inspire, and I have had so many good times with people I've met IRL after first meeting them online.

22. Our log burning stove. There's little better than having the stove lit on a cold winter's afternoon.

23. Being inside when it's raining heavily outside. Preferably curled up in a window with a book and a blanket.

24. Summer. This summer we've had rather more of 23. than of 8, but I live in hope we'll get some 'proper' summer weather soon. I love all the seasons for different reasons, but I am always infinitely happier and more content when it's warm and sunny.

25. New books. Old books. Any books. Goes without saying.

26. TV shows about dance. I still haven't got over the cancellation of the UK version of So You Think You Can Dance. My latest obsession is Dance Moms, which is terrible in a great way.

27. Being in a new place. I was going to say 'Travel' but actually I'm starting to hate the actual travelling bit, thanks to a combination of anxiety and things having gone very wrong our last couple of trips. But once I get to the place I'm going, I love it. There's something hugely relaxing about being somewhere new.


28. Listening to Andrew WK on a Friday night. Party Hard is my start-the-weekend anthem.

29. Pottering in the garden. Or just looking at my garden. At the moment it's a profusion of blooms and I love it.

30. Prosecco. Always.

31. The perfect charity shop find. Is there anything better than finding a hidden gem for 99p? It doesn't happen often (Leicester charity shops are both crap and expensive) but when it does...

32. Musicals. And songs from the musicals. My favourite is Rent but I love pretty much all of them.

33. Tote bags. Want me to love you forever? Give me a great tote bag. My latest acquisitions are a cream Salford Zine Library tote and a black Powell's Books bag brought back for me from Portland, Oregon by my brother.

34. Street art. And taking pictures of it, like the Instagram cliche I am.

35. Much Ado About Nothing. I'm not a total Shakespeare junkie like some English teachers I know, but this play is just wonderful. The Kenneth Branagh film version is a sun-drenched wonder of a comedy and never fails to cheer me up.

36. The lightbulb moment when a student just 'gets' it. I had a tutoring session with a student on Friday and to see her completely 'get' the poems we were discussing made me so happy.

37. My vintage quilt. Found in a junk shop in Lancashire, it's been gracing my bed ever since.

38. Winning an eBay auction. Those last few seconds are a rush, let's face it.

39. Sitting in the sun with a good book. My happy place.

40. Stripes. I counted yesterday - I now have 7 striped tops, 1 striped jumper and 2 striped dresses. And you know what? I still think I need more.

41. Tattoos. Getting them. Looking at other people's. Planning new ones.

42. Being with my family. Spread out across three continents, the maternal side of my family are huge and we rarely have a chance to see each other separately, let alone all together. So any time with cousins, aunts, uncles, is oh so precious to me.

43. Pictures & prints. Our walls are covered, and yet I still always want more.

44. Pipers cheese & onion crisps. So cheesy, so good.

45. Walking. Walking briskly somewhere while listening to music relaxes me, I should do it a lot more often than I do.

46. Having candles lit on a dark evening. So hygge.

47. Polka dots. Obvs.

48. Necklaces. I have SO many, yet only ever wear the same few.

49. Squeezing spots. I know it's super gross, but it's so satisfying.

50. Christmas. Thomas calls me 'Elf' because I can get a little hysterical about my Christmas love.

What makes you happy?