And this despite that fact that we've been incredibly lucky that our families, who are thrilled that we're making this commitment (albeit non-legal) to each other, genuinely couldn't be less interested in dictating to us exactly how we should go about it. Our friends, too, have been very accepting of and excited about the direction in which we've chosen to take our wedding: namely, a ceremony officiated by a good friend of ours, with all the readings and speeches and vows one would associate with a wedding but without the legal bit, followed by a three course vegan meal and piss-up in our favourite pub.
But still the questions come...
Are you having a theme? Err, aside from love and commitment? No.
A seating plan? No.
Best man and bridesmaids? Well, my little nieces aside (who I couldn't in good conscience deny the chance to put on a pretty dress and call themselves bridesmaids), no.
Hen and stag dos? Probably not, although Thomas has expressed a preference to go on a "nature walk" for his stag do. I kid you not.
Changing your name? Erm, have you even met me? Hell no!
As our friends and family have quickly realised, the answer to pretty much any question about the wedding is, "No, we're not bothering with that."
And then, the why.
I'm crafty, creative, details oriented and a micro-manager: all the ingredients for a bridezilla, a wife-to-be hand-stitching favours for a year before the ceremony and obsessing over every element. So it's as strange and surprising to me as it is to those who know me well that, when it comes to our wedding, I honestly couldn't care less.
What is important to me is this: that some of my family from overseas are able to be there; that Thomas's friends from the Netherlands come; that our UK-based friends and family are in full attendance; and that we have an occasion full of fun, laughter and love, while lacking in the patriarchal traditions that are so intrinsically entwined with wedding ceremonies. Oh, and I'd like a pretty twirly dress that doesn't cost ££££ (this last has at least already been achieved, with a £16 bargain dress of my dreams).
So there aren't going to be most of the usual trappings of a wedding. Instead we're crafting something that is completely, totally us. Our ceremony is explicitly political, from the readings we've chosen to the promises and vows we will make. It might seem a strange choice but politics - especially feminist and anarchist politics - are intrinsic to our relationship. They are what we first bonded over and are what we both value so much in each other. We have, in our four years together, both politicised the other: me pushing Thomas towards a queer, intersectional, trans-inclusive feminism and introducing him to fat activism; he, coming from an anarchist punk scene in the Netherlands that is extremely active in pro-refugee activism, pushing me to be more radical in my politics and less tolerant of middle-way liberalism. We could no more separate politics from our wedding day than we could from our lives.
And so, an anarcho-punk/feminist liefdesfeestje it is. On 31st July 2017 I will wear my pretty, twirly, £16 dress and Thomas - fresh from his nature walk (insert eye roll emoji) - will be suited and booted, and we'll make our vows in the most beautiful building in Leicester, in front of the people we love most. We'll listen to the music that's special to us**, drink Prosecco and cider, eat heaps of vegan food***, and be merry. I really cannot wait.
*Dutch for love party, which we avoid because in English it sounds like we're hosting an orgy.
** Generously, I have offered Thomas a 35 minute slot on the playlist for his terrible 80s MOR, while I get to choose the rest of the music.
*** See, we both have priorities: mine is music, so I get to pick; his is food, so he gets to make it all vegan.
Its your day so you can both do what the fuck you want, your love party (sorry!) sounds like its going to be awesome!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I cannot believe that you and Thomas have been together for four years! Blimey that has gone quick! x
Yup, that is basically our attitude too! And I know, I don't know where the time has gone. Four years?!
DeleteSounds like it will be wonderful and most importantly represent you both. :-) x p.s. I would totally have chosen to be music mixer as well! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI might do a separate post on all the massively inappropriate music I want to pick for the party, it's almost become a hobby of mine. "Is this song vastly lyrically ill-suited to a wedding? Yes? I want it."
DeleteThis. Yes. I have been interested to hear more about these wedding plans. I find it mildly baffling the amount of expectations and expense that comes with most weddings. I am eager to hear more about the three course vegan menu too!
ReplyDeleteIt's just incredible to me how much people get hung up on the tiny details. I think it especially seems to perturb my friends who HAVE had big/expensive weddings, that we're managing to do it on a tiny budget by cutting out the extraneous detail.
DeleteWould you be opposed to doing a budget post? I understand if you'd rather not but I'd like to have some sort of reference for my claims that it can still be special without excess expenditure. I am at the point where my close friends are starting to get married. I generally feel clueless about expense (necessary vs desired options) and am frequently told that "you can't appreciate it until you plan a wedding, so much costs and decisions you might not even consider..."
DeleteAfter the wedding I'll for sure be doing a more detailed post about budgets and everything we included, but to give you a ballpark figure we've budgeted £4,000 for: ceremony venue, drinks & cake after ceremony, three course meal for 75 inc. 1k behind the bar, hotel rooms for overseas guests (approx. 12 rooms), photographer, outfits and flowers. But (and it's a BIG but) we have been so lucky with the expensive items - like my dress costing £16, the cakes are all being made by friends & family, we don't have to pay for a registrar because it's a non-legal ceremony officiated by our friend, and the photographer is my friend's brother so is charging a quarter of what he would usually (although this is also because we're having a late ceremony so it's not a full day job, more like 3 hours). But then we are also spending in areas some couples don't - namely paying for hotel rooms for guests and putting a lot of money behind the bar for drinks.
DeleteThis sounds like you're planning the perfect day! And good work on the bargain dress of dreams, I thought I'd done well with mine but you've smashed it with a £16 number!
ReplyDeleteWe're both trying hard to keep in mind: what is perfect for *us*? Not anyone else, just us.
DeleteIt sounds like an awesome day! I can hardly wait to see the dress of dreams. As much as I had a ball at my wedding, a lot of it was done to please my other half's family, guests in particular.
ReplyDeleteI am SO excited about this dress, it's literally exactly what I wanted so to get it for so little is extremely exciting.
DeleteIt sounds perfect. It should be about the two of you, and what you want and nothing else. Can't wait to hear more about it!
ReplyDeleteDespite being pretty *shrugs* about a lot of the planning, I am so excited for it - I think it will be an awesome day.
DeleteI usually deeply dislike weddings - there's something about the tradition, the cost and the narcissism of a lot of them which I just can't stand. The only ones I've actively enjoyed were the couple which were personal, and shoot the couple. Yours sounds utterly brilliant.
ReplyDeleteYES to all of this (the narcissism thing is why I think I'm going to avoid a hen do - like, people are already making an effort to come to the wedding so another weekend dedicated entirely to me just seems... a bit much?)
DeleteI enjoyed this! I remember when I got married, I really did not enjoy all the, "Oh but you must to x or y!" all the time. I got so cross with it. CBC was SOOO much more into wedding planning and things than I was. I was like, "Grrr, that's so expensive!" and "Boo hiss!" to lots. Was dead chuffed to find my dream dress on Ebay (as in the one I found when I typed "Jane Austen wedding dress" into Google- despaired as it was £2900 from a designer collection from 4 years prior and then found it on Ebay for £200! Even that I scoffed at!)
ReplyDeleteOh and my hen party (But you HAAAAVE to Kezzie. Grrr) was a picnic in the park by Valentines Mansion, our wedding venue and it was a bring and share picnic. So simple and so chilled and fun!
ReplyDelete