Tuesday 19 September 2017

Back To School

"Conkers lying on the ground, the air is cooler. And I feel like I've just started uni."
Zorbing by Stornoway

Every late September I can't help but remember the autumn that I was 18. Seeing the streets of Leicester suddenly clogged with excited, fresh-faced students takes me back to the year I was one of them.

1996. I'd dyed my hair black over the summer, listened to too much gloomy indie music, and been suffering from what I now recognize as crippling anxiety attacks. I hid in my room when the phone rang; I panicked if I received any post. The world suddenly felt too big and too wide and I was about to go out into it.

I went to university in pursuit of adventure. My most fervent hope was to find my people, which at the time meant slim-hipped boys with floppy hair and eyeliner; girls in Manics t-shirts and glittery nail polish. I thought that if I could just find these people I'd finally be happy (conveniently ignoring the fact that I'd spent the previous two years hanging out with people who exactly matched that description, and it hadn't got me anything except a self-harm problem and the editorship of a mildly successful indie fanzine).

I was nothing short of devastated, then, to meet the students at Leicester University and discover that they were so far from being my people it was almost laughable. My fellow halls of residence, erm, residents were genuinely nice but, from the rugby-playing law students downstairs to the Home Counties public school girls on my corridor, I had nothing in common with them. For their part, they viewed me as something akin to an exotic animal in a zoo: something to be gazed at from afar, but not got too close to.

Having been planning my escape from Bradford since the age of ten, the reality of life at university was a disappointment to say the least. I'd sincerely hoped that, after years of being the brightest kid in class, further education would finally provide me with the challenge and intellectual debate I so sorely wished for (and yes, I do realise that makes me sound like a particularly pretentious Adrian Mole). My hope was quickly dashed against the rocks of a dull curriculum taught by indifferent lecturers. I'll readily admit that I gave up, decided not to bother trying, and emerged a few years later with a 2:2 degree that I barely deserved.

So it's with no little trepidation that, this week, I start a Masters degree in Gender Studies at the University of Leeds.

My first assignment is to write about a text that inspired me to study this course I'm struggling. I was born into a family in which political activism comes as naturally as breathing. My mum raised me as a feminist and I grew up in a house lined with books by Germaine Greer, Audre Lorde, Sheila Rowbotham and numerous other feminist luminaries. When I was at school (and later, during my undergraduate degree) I was the person who brought every discussion back to feminism or queer theory. Whether discussing the works of Charlotte Bronte or the sociology of the city, my preoccupying thought was always, "what's the feminist perspective on this?"

It's difficult, therefore, to pinpoint a single text or moment in time that made me think, "Aha! I want to study gender!" Honestly, as long as I can remember in my adult life, this course has been my dream. I still have, stashed away somewhere, the Gender Studies MA prospectus from 2001. And every few years since then I've opened the Leeds University website and idly looked through the course content thinking, "If only." But it always felt like an impossible goal - too far away from my work in Leicester, too competitive for someone with my crappy degree and, most importantly, too expensive.

As with so many things in our unfortunately couple-centric world, what seemed impossible when I was on my own became within reach once I met a partner. Since Thomas moved in I've been able to put more into savings than was possible before and, because he now has a three year contract at Loughborough University on a very decent salary, we're able to take the financial hit of me cutting my hours at work. More than anything, though, he has been my cheerleader and chief encourager, telling me that of course I should apply, that of course I'd be accepted, and that of course I'll manage the work. Whenever I have wobbles about the huge reading list or the added stress, I have an actual academic on hand to talk me down, find the journal articles I need, make me cups of tea, and remind me just what the hell Harvard referencing is.

I have no doubt that the next two years will be challenging. That at times, between the workload and the six hour weekly commutes, I'll feel like giving up. But for now, at least, I'm looking forward to being one of those excited and fresh-faced (ahem) students again. Because how many people can say that their dreams come true?

21 comments:

  1. Sorry I had to chuckle at the "particularly pretentious Adrian Mole"!

    Good luck for the next two years. You will smash it xx

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  2. Felt like I was transported back to Loughborough university circa 1993 reading your post. I was convinced the experience would have been better in the 80s or somewhere else. I did enjoy my Social Policy course th though, but think I would've got more out of it with life experience. I think you will be absolutely fine and have a really rewarding experience. Good luck x

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    1. I often wonder whether 18 is just a crap age for anyone to go to uni, because my experiences seem so common.

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    2. All sounds so exciting at that age,then reality doesn't always match up. The mature students on my course were much more sussed

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  3. How exciting! You'll be so proud of yourself - and so glad you did it - when you reach the end, though there'll be a few tough times before then I imagine.

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    1. So far so good, although I am fully expecting tough times as well.

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  4. I had a weird transport through time recently, speaking to a parent who had sent their first born off to university. My own fresher feelings came flooding back. I am so grateful not to have to do that again. This post pulls at heart strings. I like it when things turn out the way you wish them to be.

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    1. Isn't it funny how present and recent memories can feel?

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  5. Good for you! It will be a challenge, but imagine how good you'll feel in two years time! And Yay! for cheerleader Thomas, what a legend.
    x

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    1. He really is, no way would I be doing this without him.

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  6. It must be so exciting (and a little nerve-wracking!) to be embarking on your dream course. Further study is something I regularly discuss with Jonny, he went all the way to PhD and would be happy to support me, but I'm yet to pluck up the courage to go for it!

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    1. Based on my experiences so far, I'd say go for it! Returning to education has been such a positive experience, and especially so if you have your partner's support.

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  7. My friend is from Bradford and never tires of telling me about how terrible it is and how I should never go there, it made me laugh when I saw you reference it there! Leicester sounds lovely anyway ;)

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    1. Haha, oh poor Bradford! I think growing up as a teenager there is especially grim - it's too close to Leeds for much that appeals to teens to happen. Actually as an adult I don't mind it so much but yeah, it's no beauty that's for sure.

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  8. Exactly describing my own experience of uni in the 1990s. Best of luck with the course - I'm so excited to hear about you realising this dream.

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  9. I am so happy for you to be beginning your dream course! Go forth and enjoy!!

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  10. I think it's beyond inspiring and wonderful you are doing this! I had a similiar fish out of water feeling in college, I made a few friends but overall felt tribe-less, which mafde me realize just how lucky I had been in high school, where even as an outisider type/weirdo, in truth I was spoilt with good friends. I tried twice to drop out of college, the first time I had a bit of an epic breakdown that was attributed to coming off of vicodin for my wisdom teeth, but eventually proved to be based in real misery! ;-)When I dropped out after my second year I genuinely was unsure if I I would ever return. I had a much better time when I did, because I felt I knew who I was a bit better I guess. Anywa I look forward to hearing how you are doing, all the best and I hope you enjoy it and savour it! My mature student friends that I eventually made (after my year off), always seemed so awesome and together and cool to me, I am sure you will be just the same! xx

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