Wednesday 7 June 2017

To Gift List Or Not To Gift List? That Is The Question

Recently a lot of people have asked us about gift lists: Do we have one, and if not, what do we want? And it's turning out to be a thornier issue than we at first thought.

When we started planning the wedding, Thomas and I were absolutely adamant that we didn't want a traditional gift list; asking guests to first pay to travel (90% of guests are coming from outside of Leicester, with 50% of those travelling from overseas) and then to splash out on some fancy kitchen gadgets from John Lewis just didn't sit right with us. Unlike in times past, when a couple getting married would almost invariably be setting up home for the first time, Thomas and I have lived together for four years and we have pretty much everything we need. So, no gift list.

We did ponder asking for charitable donations in lieu of gifts (I was particularly keen to support the at-risk-of-closure Leicester Rape Crisis), or perhaps for Canadian dollars ahead of our planned trip next summer. But, again, we came back to the fact that asking people to cough up cash in addition to plane fares and hotel bills felt unfair. While some guests would, I am sure, be more than happy to contribute, we didn't want people to feel obliged.

As we count a huge number of talented artists amongst our friends and family, we next toyed with the idea of going with the classic mum line, "Anything you've made would be lovely." But then how would those without artistic skills (or with the skills but without time to commit to a project) feel? Again, we didn't want there to be a sense of obligation.

A few alternatives have been suggested by friends: an Etsy gift list, perhaps, or sharing our Amazon wishlists and getting books as wedding presents. In the end, though, we've gone with what's probably the least satisfactory solution from a guest's perspective - an embarrassed shrug and a muttered, "You don't need to get us anything," when asked. But we're still not entirely sure if this approach is the right one, or whether our attempts to ensure people don't feel obligated to give us something are just making it more complicated for guests who do want to give a present. So let me know: what do you think of wedding gift lists? 

24 comments:

  1. We had one. At first Andy was very uneasy with the idea. But to my mind I'm always happy to buy a wedding gift, and a couple having a list makes it a lot easier. So, we had a list at John Lewis (we did need to replace a lot things of kitchen things and were lacking in other areas - vases, table cloths) and I made sure that it had items to fit any budget. I also made it very clear that we didn't expect a gift with on of those slightly cringe worthy 'your presence is presents enough' lines when the invites went out. Deciding to put the gift list details in the invites was another we gave a lot of thought too, but as every wedding invite I've ever received contained something about gifts I didn't feel to bad about it. It saved a lot of conversations with people over the following weeks. I hope that no one felt obliged to buy us a gift, some guests didn't and that's absolutely fine. It all seems very British doesn't it, there's a sort of embarrassed shuffle of feet about the whole thing, but I honestly don't think anyone would think anything of it if you had a gift list. And books as wedding presents - why didn't I think of that!!

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    1. Someone on Twitter had the excellent idea of making a list but only giving it to people who asked - thus (hopefully) removing the obligation element.

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  2. Would you and Thomas like gifts? I like a gift list, if the couple want or need gifts, but if you actively don't want gifts, say so clearly to people. A crystal clear 'We would prefer no gifts, we are lucky enough to have all we need. All we really want is your company on our day'. Then as a guest you know where you are at. I have sometimes bought or made a close friend a gift, even when told this – so I guess it won’t put off the people who really want to give you something to mark the occasion. But it does mean that no one feels obliged to buy something, and you won’t end up with a load of well-meant but unwanted stuff in your house.
    That said, I got married in my twenties and we did need help setting up home, so we had a list at a pottery we really liked, and a department store. We knew our friends wouldn't have much money to spare so we chose modest items, and for the pottery we thought people could get us a plate or bowl and we could save up and complete the set post wedding. We have used our wedding present crockery every day for the last 14 years. It gives me huge pleasure.

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    1. Yeah I think if you're younger when you get married it makes a lot more sense, but I'm 40 next year and my house is bursting at the seams already!

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  3. Im not really a fan of gift lists. The trouble with them is that if you leave it to the last minute (like me), then all the expensive items that are out of your budget are whats left so you end up buying your Uncle and his wife a cat bowl!!! Most of our friends ask for cash, which we are happy to give. I haven't been asked as a guest to donate to charity before, personally I think that is the best option and I would dig deeper xx

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    1. Haha yeah I am always the same! I'm a miserable git who hates weddings generally, though, so what do I know.

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    2. Ha ha, we were SOOOO late in buying our friends something that we ended up spending £50 on 3 really random things including a kitchen roll holder!!! We felt really silly!!

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    3. Kezzie this is me! I always leave it till the last minute and all the decent stuff is gone, leaving only £40 lemon squeezers and the like.

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  4. We went with no gift list as we had already set up home and didn't really want anything but a lot people ended up asking if we wanted something, and so we went with there is no obligation but donations to our honeymoon would be gratefully received. I do like the charity idea though. I think it's really up to you both what you feel most comfortable with, even when people travel a long way they still like to give a little gift I think it's just standard practice with weddings.

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    1. Yeah and it's mostly been people who are travelling the furthest (and therefore at the greater cost) who have asked, isn't it strange?

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  5. I think like everything else to do with weddings, it has to be the choice that's right for the couple. Some of my friends had big weddings with lots of guests, specifically family, who would be insistent on bringing gifts. I think in cases like that it makes sense to have a list so they don't end up with random stuff. Our wedding was in the U.S., though, so we really didn't want presents to take back with us! We had a very handmade wedding and asked people to bring sides for the dinner buffet instead of presents. A few people still gave us money, but that was pretty much it, and we were grateful.

    To be honest, though, I always make wedding gifts regardless of whether the couple has a list. Not sure that's the right thing to do, but I wouldn't feel like me otherwise.

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    1. We had a similar idea, back when we were going to hire a village hall for the party, to ask everyone to bring a dessert or a bottle instead of a gift. But when our plans changed we lost that option! And yeah I always make gifts too, as well as getting something from the list if the couple have one.

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  6. Ooh, tricky. I think we'd have the same conundrum - we definitely don't need more STUFF and it feels weird asking for money. As a guest, I've appreciated the charity option where there has been a clear reason why that particular couple wanted to support that particular charity, but less so when they've just plonked for one that everybody's heard of; we'd probably suggest donations to the children's hospital but would still feel weird encouraging people to spend YET MORE MONEY on OUR special day. Hmm...! *goes off to have unnecessary discussion with Steve*

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    1. Yeah, that's the aspect that bothers me - the idea of encouraging or making people feel obliged to spend even *more* money than they already are. I think the charitable donation option is always nice when there's a clear personal link, too. When my best friend got married, they asked for donations to the MS Society as her husband's mum had died a few years previously after years with MS, and it encouraged me to really dig deep as I knew it had a personal resonance for them.

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  7. I don't mind a gift list if I'm going to a wedding, but to be honest I'm more likely to give some cash and donate some money to a charity to plant a tree in their name or something like that!

    We didn't have a wedding list, and specifically said we didn't want presents (and only had a tiny wedding with 13 guests) and we were sent lots of presents and money. Same as at our anniversary party, we wanted to say thank you to our families and friends for their support over our first year, so did a kinda-casual wedding reception type party, and again we've been given loads of lovely presents and pennies. I do feel guilty somehow that people travelled down to see us, and then bought us presents on top of that, but I think it's going to happen anyway, so I'm trying to make peace with it!

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    1. Yeah I am trying to make peace with the fact, too, and appreciate it for what it is - a lovely gesture.

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  8. We basically told our guests that if they wanted to get us anything, they could and if not, they didn't need to feel obliged. We ended up with loads of cash for our New York honeymoon, funky wine glasses and a helicopter trip which was great but similarly, some people didn't get us anything more than a card which I also liked and have kept to look at in years to come. I think leaving people to their own devices is the best idea then it's up to the guests themselves. If you don't make a big deal of an allocated present table or a customised postbox for cards/money, I cant imagine anybody feeling too awkward about it either way. And always remember, people will buy you things/give you money because they want to ultimately; they're celebrating your special day with you, so let them by all means.

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    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    2. That's something I hadn't considered - you see a lot of present table/postbox DIYs and I do think it might make people who don't bring anything feel bad, so I'll avoid having one I think.

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  9. This is always a tricky one. Nobody likes to give an unwanted gift (or one that you know is going to be exchanged) and I don't see any problem asking for a contribution towards your honeymoon, but be specific as to where and when you are travelling. I heard about a wedding where they had a big jar as a moneybox and next to the jar were little slips of paper with things like "meal voucher for two" "contribution towards your airfare" "two concert tickets" "a bus tour for two around Vancouver" "pre-concert drinks". Then, being Janet Brown, once you have your honeymoon you can thank people by sending them pictures of yourselves enjoying your meal, bus-trip or whatever. However, our contribution from South Africa - taking into account the pathetic exchange rate - will probably only buy you a cheap bottle of wine - but hey, that is what memories are made of.

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  10. We went down the route of having no specific gift list but did say that if people wanted to, cash towards setting up our first (owned) home would be lovely. That way if people really wanted to give us something they could, but others didn't feel obliged to buy something off a list. It was also easier as we'd already got everything homewares wise having already lived together for a few years. The money we did get was very gratefully received and helped us buy a new sofa and have some spending money for our honeymoon.

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  11. I don't mind gift lists; if I'm going to a wedding I usually want to buy a gift and it helps to know what people want. I do however get irritated when the cheapest thing on the list is £50+ (this has happened to us - very rich couple that were getting married...)

    We asked for charity donations (if people wanted to give us anything) because there was a charity that had a personal connection for me that I wanted to raise money for.

    Ultimately I think it's totally fine to do what works for you and as long as people don't feel obliged and there are affordable options for people who want to buy from a list then I don't think any of your guests would have an issue with it.

    Liz x

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  12. We felt similar and very awkward! We just mentioned that a voucher of some sort i.e. John Lewis would be lovely for when we eventually bought a house (towards sofa etc) but we really didn't want anyone to buy anything! A fair few guests didn't buy anything which worked out well but we still have John Lewis vouchers saved now for when we eventually get into our own house. One friend gave us Garden centre vouchers which we put towards a Lawn Mower when ours broke!

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